I had this powerful dream last night about having a baby boy. I gave birth to him, had to leave to go to work or school or something, so I gave him to a friend to watch for the day. There ended up being a million different places he went that day. I had to go through all of them to get to him. I searched and searched. It's awful to feel like there's this huge part of you that's just waiting for you to find it. You miss it and crave it and yearn for the way it makes you feel. I knew exactly where he was the whole time, but I still went through every single place just to make sure he had moved on to the next. My parents and friends had taken him to a play that night. When I scooped him up and held his little body in my hands this surge of relief and an overwhelming sense of calm filled my body. We were together and that's where we belonged.

I'm pretty sure I already knew I wanted to have a kid someday. But it's more than that to me. It's the way I felt when I held him and the passion he invoked in me to keep fighting all day long.

I'm still looking for that part of me. I wish it could be as concrete as a little being.