I forgot that people can change. That I can change.

Everyday I try to be a good person. But what I should be doing is trying to be a better person. I want more in my life than what I'm getting... so I need to give more.

More love, more energy, more life. MAKE AN EFFORT.

And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.

Maybe the Beatles are starting to grow on me.

What am I so afraid of?

What?

Why can't I reach out to people?

What am I so afraid of?

What am I so afraid of.

Me.

I hardly think about myself. My attributes, my personality. What I like, what I don't like. I rarely share that with others. I shape my world around convenience, trying to be the most efficient and time saving person. Trying to be what I think I should be. Avoiding emotions and doubt and dishonesty. Trying to be logical and sensible and not just a girl. I want to be a woman. A strong woman with intellect, power, and a wonderful life. But Most of all: pride. I want to be proud of what I do.

The strangest part about all of this is that I feel like it changes too frequently to put it into absolutes. So everything I just said will change tomorrow. With one touch of my fiancee's hand I will forget everything else and melt into him. I will look at a baby and feel this passion for making one of my own. I will hear music so graceful and bittersweet that I will want to quit my job and just wright all day and night. One phone call from my dad will make me never want to leave here. There are endless possibilities to what you can be and who you can be. It's not your past that defines you or what you want to do. What defines you is what makes you happy even as contradictory as that can be. The paradox is you.

Jacksonville disappointed me. I can't believe we were in the front of the crowd of the Black Eyed Peas Concert and no one else knew the words to the songs from their albums. Ummm.....why are you there? And if you don't REALLY like them let ME in the front row because I want to dance with Fergie OK? Don't just stand there and look content. Dance! Reach out! Get them to look at our side. Overall I would give the crowd a "D" at that concert. Shame on you Jacksonville.

New.

Clean. Cut. Mix. Wash. Clear. Smooth.


Music,
Crack me open and blow me up.

take

grabbing pulling needing
seem strange when you are letting go.

Dreamer

Passion for tomorrow and thankful for today
I've been opened up to pleasure and it won't go away

time is always running out when it should be standing still
Wait, please. I'll tie you up and make you do my will.

high heels

Kicking my feet up
Walking
Running
Skipping
Jumping

I can fly when I close my eyes
Balancing on my toes
With my heels up high

Floating over water magically
Aching for us to meet
I know you're out there;
I am destined to find you.
I'm on my way.

commit

come me to it.

commitment is always an agreement with yourself.
a bond. you decide to be.

Play-Doh

want it.
you have it.
make it.
be.

family

Since the word a day list is kind of difficult for me to do everyday (whether it's a lack of motivation or enthusiasm I'm not sure) I thought that maybe I could pick my own word for each day sometimes.

So be it interesting or not this might help motivate me to create.

Family

Looking for the right soil to plant my own tree.
It must be perfect. It must be all mine.
I want to feel warmth at my feet and a breeze through my hair;
Stable and reaching toward the sky.
I am beautiful and full of your life.

History

When do you realize you're in it?

When I think fate is sleeping. It's probably waiting for me to wake it up.

Working on a project. The end is kind of symbolic though. I have to finish it at the perfect time. There were some bumps....ahem.....tears along the way. But I'll fix it up and it'll be better than before. More character. Less perfection.

Viola

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nz6nq4AhFZE

Smell of old books,
Ripening attitudes and favorite sounds
Harmony
Marriage

So special and delicate are these beings
That share with us
Free us from hiding the beauty in every moment

Verse

I had this powerful dream last night about having a baby boy. I gave birth to him, had to leave to go to work or school or something, so I gave him to a friend to watch for the day. There ended up being a million different places he went that day. I had to go through all of them to get to him. I searched and searched. It's awful to feel like there's this huge part of you that's just waiting for you to find it. You miss it and crave it and yearn for the way it makes you feel. I knew exactly where he was the whole time, but I still went through every single place just to make sure he had moved on to the next. My parents and friends had taken him to a play that night. When I scooped him up and held his little body in my hands this surge of relief and an overwhelming sense of calm filled my body. We were together and that's where we belonged.

I'm pretty sure I already knew I wanted to have a kid someday. But it's more than that to me. It's the way I felt when I held him and the passion he invoked in me to keep fighting all day long.

I'm still looking for that part of me. I wish it could be as concrete as a little being.

Why on this day did I start to blog? Well, I think it stemmed from the inevitable boredom that comes from most holidays that surround one person. A not you person. I find myself trying to fill the time in between the cooking and baking and looking up movie times.


In the spirit of the time I will contribute to the "word a day" series of my fellow blogger who is partially responsible for the genesis of this blog.
http://wordadayinspired.blogspot.com/

Kitten.

If I could freestyle rap this is what I would say:

Mitten - a smitten kitten is just sittin by her lonesome cause she wants to hunt some of the

Other Cats.

Why is that?

She held up her fluffy pitter patter of paw to see the horrors she could inflict on the

Other Cats.

Yes, she knows its vicious but this is not some malicious nor suspicious rhyme just in time to see her bust down the

Other Cats.

A message, a warning, a service to the nervous. Just to clear the air, it's only fair to lay down the sound for the pound.

Why is that?

Other Cats. Are vicious. Other Cats. Are sane. Other Cats take pleasure in the smitten kitten's pain.

She ain't as smart. She ain't as mean, but she sure as hell ain't scared to make a big scene.

Fin.